Jen
Kitchener, Ontario
The Healing Project
Featured Creator, February 2021
Jen’s Story
Content Warning: Sexual Trauma.
“I am not yet a survivor. Not still a victim. So what does that make me?”
It’s been almost 2 years since I wrote my poetry book
‘These (Transitional) Words’ went through my stages of healing after experiencing sexual trauma.
Since then, I’ve changed, I’ve grown but sometimes I still wonder to myself, what’s next, where do I go from here after everything I’ve gone through?
It begins with the depths of darkness. You've experienced horrifying trauma and you’re not really living anymore - you’re living in a shell of yourself.
Photography by JessKalPhotography
“Reading the book now, one of the poems that feels most significant to me is, ‘I cried, driving to the grocery store, for no reason, other than, I remembered.’”
It really captured how confusing the process of healing was
I was bombarded by so many emotions and an overwhelming sense of numbness all at the same time. Then I was trying to figure out my new identity while figuring out how to react to situations.
It really makes me realize how not okay and fragile I was at the time I wrote the first chapter. Somewhere in that confusion of processing my pain I turned that vulnerability into a quiet voice that echoed, you will get through this.
“Some of the most powerful stories come from the most hurt people. The most vulnerable and hurt people in society create the most astonishing things because they have so much behind them and they’ve gone through so much.”
Being ‘okay’ didn’t happen overnight
It took a long time, and even in the last chapter of the book I found a version of healing that temporarily worked for me, but I didn’t find peace from the situation for a long time.
It took a lot of effort to constantly confront trauma and then come up with healthy coping mechanisms. I found a balance between going to therapy, writing, drawing and spending time alone in nature.
But even after I was deemed ‘healed’ I still didn’t feel completely whole.
“However, I did feel proud that I was able to capture my emotions at such a confusing time and find a lot of personal healing and growth from that dark and confusing period of my life.”
So where do I go from here
A lot of women have gone through sexual trauma. I thought that if just one other person somebody else in the world understood it, and I think that made it all worth it, it made all of the vulnerability worth it for me.
What made me happy was the messages I received from people I have never met through Instagram or email telling me how much the book has changed their perspective on sexual assault or rape.
I continue to find healing, find peace, and learn to love myself more and more each day.
Tote Bag Inspiration
This tote bag represents my experience healing from sexual trauma.
I chose the message “Don’t Carry it with You” because that was something that I did. I held onto my trauma for a really long time before finally dealing with it.
This design is a reminder that you don’t have to be alone in carrying it. You can have someone else carry your tote bag and you can ask others to help carry it with you.
I chose a 1950s housewife as my design because it represents my frustration towards gender norms after sexual trauma. While the 1950s is very glamorized, no one really talked about sexual assault or mental health back then. And we still don’t today. And that needs to change.